Raptors vs Everybody
by ChetUnGwan
Summary: The title says it all. Basically the velociraptors attacking anyone you want. Leave a review for a book, movie or TV show that you want used.
1. Vs Sherlock

Raptors vs. Sherlock

"Sherlock, get off the couch! You cannot possibly be bored!" John shouted over the screeches.

"But I am!" Sherlock called back from his reclining position on the couch, "They aren't doing anything actually interesting."

The things in question screeched again and threw themselves at the door, which shuddered, barely holding up. John was baring the door with as much furniture as he could move; excluding the couch the Sherlock was on.

"At least give me your gun," John groaned.

"Why?"

"So I can shoot the velociraptors hell-bent on tearing the flesh from our bones."

"Dull," Sherlock said, handing him it.

From her seat on the ground, Ms. Hudson whimpered faintly. Suddenly, the screeches stopped, and the flat was quiet.

John paused, "That doesn't sound good." He put his ear to the wall next to the door.

Just as suddenly as the silence had fallen, it disappeared as a crash sounded from the bathroom.

Sherlock sat up, "Ah, so they aren't as stupid as the majority of the human race."

"You mean the raptors are coming through the bathroom window!" yelped John.

"It would appear so."

Ms. Hudson began to cry softly.

"Do stop that," Sherlock told her, "John, give me my gun back."

John handed it back without question, shaking slightly. Sherlock took it and quietly walked to the doorway. Raising the gun, he leaned in, fired three times, and then leaned back out.

"Crisis over," he said, sounding faintly disappointed.


	2. Vs Avengers

Raptors vs. Avengers

The flying aircraft carrier was taking a beating.

"Does anyone know who put velociraptors on my ship?!" Fury shouted.

"Believe it or not, it wasn't me." Stark said over the coms, "I'll be there in a second, I need my su- Oh. Never mind. The raptors found my suit."

Two more voices burst in over the coms, both talking at the same time. "the raptors-" "engine room-" "arrows-" "leg-" "broken glass-"

"Shut up!" Fury told them, "Rogers, you first."

"The raptors are in the engine room. I'm keeping them contained, but there isn't much more I can do without more men."

"Thank you. Barton?''

"I found where they came through. There's broken windows on the second tier. It looks like they were _thrown_ through."

"_What!?_"

"I know it doesn't make any sense- ow!"

"What's happening?"

"I'm kind of trapped in a pipe. I can stab the raptors with arrows if they get too close, but that's it."

"I'll send Romanoff over."

"Thanks."

Fury cut the transmission and patched through to Black Widow. Almost as soon as he had told her to go help Hawkeye, Hill broke in.

"I'm in the lab with Banner. We're trapped, but relatively safe. Banner thinks that he's found a gas that acts as a neurotoxin on the raptors."

"For gods sake, use it!" Stark called, "They're using my suit as a chew toy! They're scratching the gloss!"

"Shut up, Stark!" Fury growled, "Hill, will this gas hurt us in any way?"

"Banner says not unless we get a massive, concentrated dose."

"Then release it."

In a few minuets, the raptors were all twitching on the floor, either dead or dying.

Stark walked into the command room, stepping over a raptor's tail. "What was that gas?"

Banner, who was already at the table, said, "Very diluted cyanide."

"Isn't that deadly?" asked Roger.

"Thankfully, far more to them than it is to us" Banner replied, looking extremely relived.


	3. Vs Startrek (2005)

Raptors vs. Startrek (2005)

"I blame the black hole."

Spock looked over at Kirk and gave him a vaguely disapproving glance that would have been an eye roll on anyone else.

"What?" Kirk asked, "It's _velociraptors_. I blame the time-traveling black hole thing."

Ohura took a less subtle route, "How the hell would velociraptors get into a black hole?"

"Do you have a better explanation?"

A burst of static came over the coms. "Capt'n! The beasties are com'n for the engine room! We canna hold 'em off much longer!"

Kirk grabbed the com, "Scottie! You're still alive!"

"Course I am, Capt'n!"

"Can you seal off a section of the ship, trap the raptors there?"

"Only some a them. They're too spread out!"

"Try!"

"Aye, aye!"

Spock spoke up. "We need a more efficient method of disposing of these creatures. Merely shooting them will take too long and expose our forces to much greater risk."

"Please tell me you have a plan," Kirk groaned, head in his hands.

Spock paused, "I have not thought of one as of yet."

Chekov had been doing many mysterious things on his workstation ever since the first incredulous report of a raptor attack had come over the coms. He now got up and carried his tablet over to Kirk.

"I have an idea, sir!"

Kirk looked up, "Oh, thank god."

"What if ve got all of our crew to a certain area, trapped the raptors on another area, and then opened the raptor's area to space? It vould damage much of the ship's interior, but it vould vipe out the raptors in one vell svoop! Any left over could be mopped up by security, sir."

"Yes!" Kirk said, "Thank you, Chekov. Remind me to promote you or something later."

He pulled over on of the coms and began speaking into it. "This is your caption, Kirk, speaking. If I could ask all crew members to retreat to the lower decks at this time. Anyone not in the lower decks in fifteen minuets will be sucked out into space. Thank you."

Ohura rolled her eyes. "You have no tact."

"I'm sorry, how would you tell the entire ship that the raptors attacking us are going to be sucked out the airlock, and anyone not in the right section of the ship will be sucked out, too? I'm pretty sure that that sentence is too weird to be tactful."

Ohura's retort was cut off by Bones' transmission. "Jim, how the hell am I supposed to transport every mauled patient in the medical bay to the lower decks? Damnit, man, I'm a doctor, not a train conductor!"

Kirk winced. "Sorry Bones. I forgot."

"What, you just forgot that the raptors managed to severely injure almost half of the security detail, not to mention a ton of crew that got in the way?"

:Um . . . yes?"

"Damnit, Jim!"

"Just stay there! We'll seal you in." He covered up the mic and whispered to Chekov, "_Can we do that?_"

Chekov nodded, and Kirk cut the transmission.

Fifteen minuets later, there were only three raptors left on the ship. These were quickly cleaned up by the angry remainder of the security detail.

Leaning back, Kirk sighed. "Well . . . that went well."

Ohura rolled her eyes again.

**Bonus points to anyone who can find the Firefly reference!**


	4. Vs Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Velociraptors vs. Buffy

"You know," Buffy said thoughtfully while ducking underneath a velociraptor's attack, "I've actually seen worse."

The raptor screeched.

"How am I supposed to have a witty exchange of insults if you can't talk?" she asked, simultaneously stabbing one of its feet and giving it a disapproving look.

The raptor screeched again, this time is pain. Rolling her eyes, Buffy hefted her axe and quickly finished the raptor off. Straightening up and turning, she grinned at Xander, who was shaking slightly.

"Was that a dinosaur?" he asked.

She looked down at it. "Yeah, I think so."

"A dinosaur."

"Yeah."

"That's new, right?"

"Very new."

"So . . . what do we do if more come?"

"Oh, I don't know . . . Maybe kill them?"

"What if a lot come?"

"What if every vamp in town attacked at once? Don't worry about things that would suck. Let's go drag this thing to Giles. He'll love to polish his glasses over this."

At the school library the next day, the doors were barred to prevent any students from coming in, unlikely as that was. The reason for this was laid out on the table and was beginning to smell a bit.

"_I told you that he would polish his glasses._" Buffy whispered to Xander.

Giles missed this comment because in addition to polishing his glasses, he was studying the raptor carcass on the table.

"This seems to not be magical at all." He said, sounding as though this very statement was impossible.

"Well, duh." Buffy said, "It's a dinosaur."

"Well, I had expected it to be a demon of some kind. But this genuinely appears to be a velociraptor. I don't understand how it got here!"

Willow pulled away from the computer, and spoke up hesitantly. "I can't tell you that, but several police reports are talking about giant lizard attacks. Do you, um, think that those are raptors?"

Buffy tipped back her head and groaned. "I'm sure that it is. Giles, I'm gonna need a couple of battle axes."

After Buffy charged out of the library armed better than most templar knights, Xander and Willow had a brief argument about whether or not to go after her to help.

"She needs our help!" Xander insisted. "If we followed her-"

"We would get hurt, or at least get in the way." Willow cut in. "We have to stay here. Buffy knows what she's doing."

Meanwhile, Buffy was laying waste to a virtual army of raptors.

"You know," she quipped while burying her axe in yet another raptor's skull, "If you screech every time you attack, I know when you're gonna attack."

Despite her advice, another raptor screeched, and barely began its lunge toward her before she cut off its head. She sighed. Apparently, you couldn't teach an old raptor new tricks.

When Buffy returned to the library an hour later, tired and covered with raptor blood, Xander and Willow were still bickering.

"Bit if she gets hurt-"

"She said to stay here-"

"Children," Giles said tiredly, "I believe that Buffy has returned relatively unharmed."

"Of course!" Buffy said, "Those raptors are pushovers. I can't imagine anyone actually having trouble with them."


	5. Vs Firefly

Raptors vs. Firefly

"Gao yang jong duh goo yang!" Jayne shouted. "Where the di yu did these things come from!?"

"Does it look like I know?" Mal shouted back. "Why can't one _single_ business deal go _right_ once?" he added in a mutter.

He, Jayne and Zoe were rapidly retreating towards the ship, leaving behind the other members of said business deal, who at this point were unlikely to engage in anymore business deals in the near future. Or ever.

Reaching the ship, Zoe hit the coms. "Wash! Close the doors!"

After a few tense moments that included lots of gunfire and no closing of doors, Zoe hit the coms again. "Wash! Close the gorram doors!"

"I did!"

"They're still open!"

"But I-" Zoe ignored the rest of Wash's reply, preferring to draw her gun and start shooting the on-coming raptors.

"River!" came a shout from behind them. "Stay back!"

"Gorramit, Doc," Jayne growled, "Keep your crazy sister out of the way!"

River choose that moment to grab the gun out of Jayne's hands and start shooting the raptors.

"Da-shiang bao-tza shr duh lah doo-tze!" Mal said, staring at River as she hit every raptor that she aimed at. However, she quickly ran out of bullets. Not letting this slow her down, River quickly grabbed Jayne's knife and launched herself into the crowd of raptors.

"Well, I can't say that I strictly approve," Mal began, "but she seems to be holding her own."

This was an understatement. River quickly cut the raptor population in half before a stray raptor tail caught her in the stomach and threw her across the cargo bay.

"River!" Simon ran to her and began checking her for broken bones.

She looked up at him and said, "They're very lost. They don't even know _when_ they are. They're almost as lost as me."

Simon paused, opened his mouth to ask her about her peculiar statement, the changed his mind and went back to checking her over.

While this strange exchanged went on, Kaylee and Inara poked their heads out of the hallway and stepped out on to the walkway above.

"Captain! What's going on?" Kaylee called down.

From his position behind a crate, Mal shouted, "Well, we're being attacked by dinosaurs at the moment. Got any ideas on how they got her?"

"They're lost." River called to him.

"Thanks for that. Any ideas on how to close the doors?"

After a few moments spent gaping, Kaylee said, "I-I can do it, Captain. But I need to get to the panel."

Mal looked to where the panel was, right between two raptors. "Yeah, not happening. River, you feel up to take'n another shot at them? Ahh!"

He jumped as River appeared at his elbow.

"Do you have a knife?" she asked.

Two minutes later, it was over and River was heading back into the ship.

"You realize how gorram creepy that is?" Jayne asked.

"Hey-" Simon began until Mal cut him off.

"It is a mite on the disturbing side, but right now I'm more concerned about the dinosaurs and the whole part where they were alive."

"They're just lost." River called over her shoulder.

Mal blinked. "O-kay."


End file.
